"it's okay i'm okay" she chants walking briskly down the crowded grocery aisle her hand clenched in a bloodless fist "it's okay i'm okay" she mutters lying in bed at 2:53 a.m. biting her wrists "it's okay i'm okay" she cries rocking back and forth on the floor fingers knotted in her hair "it's okay i'm okay" she gasps curled into the corner of a bathroom stall trying to remember how to breathe "it's okay i'm okay" she whispers sitting alone in her car cradling her bleeding wrist "it's okay i'm okay" she murmurs standing on the ledge arms spread like wings
my fingers trace the texture of tree bark like puzzle pieces that don't quite fit a design of growth and change a beautiful story written in cracks and knobs i look down at my own flesh irregular ridges and discoloration scars like puzzle pieces that don't quite fit and i wonder if they can be beautiful on a tree can they be beautiful on me?
Fear of heights,
fear of the dark, fear of elevators.
The last time I was in an elevator was two
years ago. I was alone and I felt trapped. I had a panic attack and I
haven’t been in one since.
Fear of crowds, fear of puppets.
A friend tried to
make me hug a puppet once and it gave me nightmares. Fear of time, fear of
change. Fear of underground, fear of silence.
I can’t sleep without some sort
of noise: a fan or a song.
Fear of emptiness, fear of pointlessness.
Everyday I
wake up and ask myself why I am still here and I fear never finding an answer.
Fear of underwater.
I can’t dive too deep or I feel trapped, crushed.
Fear of
outer space.
I’ve had so many nightmares of floating endlessly in space,
surrounded by dark, silent emptiness.
Fear of perfection. Fear of endings, fear
of immortality.
Even as a child, I remember hearing about heaven and being just
as terrified of heaven as I was of hell because it was endless.
Fear of being
normal, fear of being average.
I’ve always strived to be different, actively
seeking ways to go against the flow.
Fear of death, the unknown.
What happens
when we die? I knew once and now I don’t.
Fear of not understanding. Fear of
failing, fear of not living up to my potential. Fear of grades.
No matter how
many hours I spend on a homework assignment, I still feel as if it wasn't enough.
Fear of not being seen, fear of being seen.
I
feel safer when I am invisible.
Fear of being trapped. Fear of not living.
I
read books and wonder if I will live a life that means something. I fear that I
will spend my life watching other people live and never be brave enough to live
myself.
show me your emptiness the gaping black hole in your chest let me feel it's pull stare into the void see if i run mad tell me of your despair let me taste it on your lips like bitter almonds a cyanide stain let me feel your brokenness run my fingers over your jagged shards cut my palm and bleed share with me your missing pieces the hollows in your skin let me slide my hand in see how deep they go teach me your lies help me master the calculated twists of your tongue the masterful play of tone and phrase the ways in which you hide lead me down your rabbit hole display your madness before me introduce me to the monsters in your head make friends with the demons who whisper in your ear show me it all dump all your secrets in front of me let our monsters dance and our devils meet
she's the girl
with the salty-lipped smile
and the glass-sharp laugh
she longs for intimacy
but shys away from touch
she is shattered by insecurity
but her gaze is defiant
and her chin is always high
she is the angel
who sold her soul
she is the demon
who is cursed with love
she is the victim
but she is even more the monster
she's the coal in a diamond mine
she's the fool's gold
but damn does she shine
she was beautiful but twisted her charm i could not have resisted if i tried the curve of her smile was a little off kilter she always giggled during sermons in serious conversations she had no filter and the things she found beautiful were often rather tragic: a bloom of red warm on white skin the sting of salt on dry, cracked lips women's smiles tainted with a hint of sin and demons dancing in mind's shadows
she knuckles her glass red stains on the rim lipstick smudged she stares out the window blood red lips forming a sad smile "you're drunk," he says she laughs "we're all drunk drunk on distraction drunk on the things we can't forget drunk on the things we're trying to fight drunk on our pain drunk on our own addictions" she throws her head back takes a swig "the only difference is i'm not trying to hide it anymore." she pours herself another shot and drains it leaving a fresh crimson stain on a cool glass rim
she was the girl who fell in love who fell hard and fast she fell in love with the sunset a horizon bleeding lilac and gold she fell in love with ocean waves crawling up the beach to kiss her feet she feel in love with the moon a silver button in the sky, holding her world together she fell in love with books the reassuring whisper of their memory-scented pages she fell in love with words their rich flavor and beautiful, swirling strokes she fell in love with music that gentle, melodic knife that rips the veil and opens the heart she fell in love with everything everything but herself
my favorite sky is just after sunset twilight blue fading into the horizon a pale, muted yellow just a few stars speckled across the expanse fragments of constellations not fully formed the suspense the moment between after the day ends before the night begins a moment to breathe a moment to exist
i wonder what a sunset tastes like tangy-sweet citrus or sugary-rich cotton candy? i wonder what the moon smells like fresh cleaned cotton or mild spring violet? i wonder what the clouds sound like the crisp rustle of paper or the soft squish of wool? i wonder what shadows feel like stiff, foldable cardboard or soft, spongy felt? i wonder what my thoughts look like wispy grey smoke or rainbow threads? i wonder about the color and texture of my emotions i wonder about the melody and flavor of my dreams i wonder do you?
you touched my heart and it melted like ash
no sash could tie the charred pieces back into their original shape
no tape could keep it together
whether you stay or go i'll never be the same
now shame follows me
swallows me whole
my soul locked up in guilt
my identity now built on shadows and masks
she asks me who i am and i have no answer
your numbing cancer has eaten away my very core
i pour my heart out on the page and it's blank
my tank has only fading stains where my blood-ink used to be
you see, my pen is running dry
and no matter how hard i try, the pages of me are fading as though written in invisible ink
in a blink, another page gone
the most devastating con: erased identity
as if i was never meant to be
words fail me
i know not how to tell of that i know not how to feel
i cannot explain what i experience
and i do not experience what i do explain
life is contradictory
rhyme and reason are imagined devices
inventions to soothe us
when we think too much
see too much
feel too much
we put things in boxes for fear of not understanding, not knowing
but in so doing
we make it impossible to do those very things
words are such paltry devices
language fails where it is most needed
the things we so desperately need to communicate
are the very things beyond the capacities of communication
in living to capture meaning
we lose it
in trying to simulate feeling
we destroy it
life is not meant to be described or explained
it is meant to be experienced
we get so lost in trying to capture
a moment
that we keep missing it
put down your net
and just watch the moment fly
feel it in your core
take only what is meant to be taken
and then let it go
i feel like a puff of smoke one breeze away from fading forever i feel like a shadow should the sun reappear i'll vanish i feel like steam on a mirror in the way waiting to be erased i feel like dust on a forgotten book fearing remembrance knowing i will be dispersed and vanish i feel like a lipstick smudge hoping you don't check the mirror and wipe me away
i taste the bitter in every sweet
no relief
i see the end of every beginning
spinning into despair
too much care
feeling everything and nothing absolutely
resolutely in pin
gain always outweighed by loss
a toss between worth it and pointless
joyless existence
and yet persistence to live
why?
why am i still fighting a battle i know is lost
a cost too dear i keep paying
praying that this time there won't be so much pain
feeling like i'm going insane
how am i still breathing?
still bleeding when i've already spent every tear i could hold
"it gets better" so i'm told
bullshit
there is no "new day"
only a new way to hurt
burnt by hope's empty vow
now crushed with the weight of dreams unfulfilled
instilled with trust
now left to rust
i must be broken for these words i have spoken
are too bitter
verbal litter never meant to be said
instead meant to be buried
carried as an invisible weight
the secret fear of our fate
always present but never addressed
unconfessed fear, hopelessness, and rage
the unwritten on every page
because it's easier to fake a smile than to try and explain tears
years spent creaking a mask
and you ask why i'm quiet?
because i'm afraid the riot in my head
will turn my words to lead
verbal bullets: a bleeding out of the war raging within me
you call it sin in me to be this miserable
call my suffering fictional
call me self-centered
so don't be surprised when i am self-censored
i am already worn from fighting my own guilt and accusations
so i don't have strength left to meet your high expectations
my thoughts are like ivy vines growing uncontrollably winding tightly around me weaving through my rib cage binding my lungs slithering through the cracks in my heart crawling up my throat wrapping around my tongue so i can't speak suffocating me slowly oh so damned slowly feeling every slither of every leaf all at once and all the time
it starts in my chest a tightness, an ache like my rib cage has shrunk and there isn't room for my lungs to expand, my heart pounding, bruising against the bones next it travels to my hands a jittery, restless feeling taut like a wire stretched strained, shaking tense, locking tighter and tighter nails biting palms my stomach feels as though it has jumped into my throat, leaving my abdomen painfully hollow, thoughts flitting like butterflies from my brain to the empty cavity my legs are Jenga towers, one wrong move away from crumbling my thoughts are a tornado, like a rock avalanche drumming, like hail stones pounding, like dead leaves swirling, spinning faster and faster my heart pounds faster and faster my breath comes faster and faster i'm trapped i can't move there is a storm screaming inside my head but i can't move
why are you still beating? a mass of purple bruises and bloodied scars cracks widening with each persistent thump why do you still care? still bearing others' burdens on top of your own still feeling pain at another's suffering why do you still trust? why do you still let people in even after they've already left their mark, their scar why are you still dreaming? still reaching for the stars even as they fade away still taking that leap knowing full well it is always followed by the fall why are you still holding onto hope? still looking for love still believing in some kind of happily ever after my ribs wrap about you like a cage, trying to crush you my lungs stretch against you like stifling plastic, trying to steal air my thoughts swirl like a tsunami storm, trying to drown you and still you beat
It's time to be brave, little angel Time to open up your eyes The demons are out to play Pulling you under with icy fingers It's time to face the shadows It's time to hold on, little angel Time to anchor down The storm is getting stronger Beating you back into the waves It's time to cling to something firm It's time to be strong, little angel Time to bear your scars The pain is growing now Flowing through your veins It's time to try and stand It's time to fight, little angel Time to draw your weapon The demons are baring their teeth Roaring in your ears It's time to go to war It's okay to be afraid, little angel Your demons aren't just your imagination The world can be a shitty place Full of brokenness and pain It's okay to want to hide It's okay to be hurting, little angel Your pain is real and valid Let yourself feel the anguish You don't need to hide it all away It's okay not to be fine It's okay to be sad, little angel Grief is not a sin Let the tears start the healing You don't always need to smile It's okay to cry It's okay to be broken, little angel You don't need to hold it all together Let yourself bleed and break You don't always need to fix yourself It's okay to fall apart It's okay to be downhearted, my darling Just know you are not alone
The first glimpse of solid brown in the midst of rolling blue The grip of rough fingers as you fall toward the ground The taste of freshwater on cracked lips The lonely glowing ember in a pile of wet ash A lone shoot of green bursting from suffocating brown The first pink glow of dawn The hiss of a flame being born A rain drop splattering in the sand
A healing scar on a broken heart The flutter of a broken wing The slight upward curve of salty lips And the softly whispered word, "Wait"
