Verbal Litter

i taste the bitter in every sweet
no relief
i see the end of every beginning
spinning into despair
too much care
feeling everything and nothing absolutely
resolutely in pin
gain always outweighed by loss
a toss between worth it and pointless
joyless existence
and yet persistence to live
why?
why am i still fighting a battle i know is lost
a cost too dear i keep paying
praying that this time there won't be so much pain
feeling like i'm going insane
how am i still breathing?
still bleeding when i've already spent every tear i could hold
"it gets better" so i'm told
bullshit
there is no "new day"
only a new way to hurt
burnt by hope's empty vow
now crushed with the weight of dreams unfulfilled
instilled with trust
now left to rust
i must be broken for these words i have spoken
are too bitter
verbal litter never meant to be said
instead meant to be buried
carried as an invisible weight
the secret fear of our fate
always present but never addressed
unconfessed fear, hopelessness, and rage
the unwritten on every page
because it's easier to fake a smile than to try and explain tears
years spent creaking a mask
and you ask why i'm quiet?
because i'm afraid the riot in my head
will turn my words to lead
verbal bullets: a bleeding out of the war raging within me
you call it sin in me to be this miserable
call my suffering fictional
call me self-centered
so don't be surprised when i am self-censored
i am already worn from fighting my own guilt and accusations
so i don't have strength left to meet your high expectations

Spilling

emotion

an ocean

constantly rearranging

changing 

fickle

a trickle at times

at others a flood

spilling blood

life's veins torn

worn with time

spilling, filling

simultaneously endless and finite

dark night

changing moon, so many faces

no homeostasis

a constant imbalance

reliance on the enigmatic

charged static

electricity

felicity: an ideal

not real

nothing to feel no point

a truth, forsooth

no such thing as absolute

shades of grey 

no way to know for certain

a curtain

fluttering between reality and dream

a seam ripped

a coin flipped

a choice

a voice in your fate

not too late

to choose

be your own muse

pick up your pen

write a new end 

or a new beginning

winning is not about when you start but how you finish

don't diminish belief in magic

tragic when we decide that fantasy and reality don't coincide

denied the right to make our own way

to stray down the paths that straddle the line between the substantial and the fanciful

radical worlds that they say we cannot coexist in

persist in your belief that flowers are fairies in disguise

surprise yourself with your sensibility

sensitivity to the beauty and the pain around you

Like Ivy

my thoughts are like ivy vines
growing uncontrollably
winding tightly around me
weaving through my rib cage
binding my lungs
slithering through the cracks in my heart
crawling up my throat
wrapping around my tongue so i can't speak
suffocating me
slowly
oh so damned slowly
feeling every slither of every leaf all at once and all the time

Panic

it starts in my chest
a tightness, an ache
like my rib cage has shrunk and there isn't room for my lungs to expand, my heart pounding, bruising against the bones

next it travels to my hands
a jittery, restless feeling
taut like a wire stretched
strained, shaking
tense, locking
tighter and tighter
nails biting palms

my stomach feels as though it has jumped into my throat, leaving my abdomen painfully hollow, thoughts flitting like butterflies from my brain to the empty cavity

my legs are Jenga towers, one wrong move away from crumbling

my thoughts are a tornado, like a rock avalanche drumming, like hail stones pounding, like dead leaves swirling, spinning faster and faster
my heart pounds faster and faster
my breath comes faster and faster

i'm trapped
i can't move
there is a storm screaming inside my head
but i can't move

To My Battered Heart

why are you still beating?
a mass of purple bruises and bloodied scars
cracks widening with each persistent thump

why do you still care?
still bearing others' burdens on top of your own
still feeling pain at another's suffering

why do you still trust?
why do you still let people in 
even after they've already left their mark, their scar

why are you still dreaming?
still reaching for the stars even as they fade away
still taking that leap knowing full well it is always followed by the fall

why are you still holding onto hope?
still looking for love
still believing in some kind of happily ever after

my ribs wrap about you like a cage, trying to crush you
my lungs stretch against you like stifling plastic, trying to steal air
my thoughts swirl like a tsunami storm, trying to drown you

and still
you beat

It's Time to be Brave, Little Angel

It's time to be brave, little angel
Time to open up your eyes
The demons are out to play
Pulling you under with icy fingers
It's time to face the shadows

It's time to hold on, little angel
Time to anchor down
The storm is getting stronger
Beating you back into the waves
It's time to cling to something firm

It's time to be strong, little angel
Time to bear your scars
The pain is growing now
Flowing through your veins
It's time to try and stand

It's time to fight, little angel
Time to draw your weapon
The demons are baring their teeth
Roaring in your ears
It's time to go to war

It's okay to be afraid, little angel
Your demons aren't just your imagination
The world can be a shitty place
Full of brokenness and pain
It's okay to want to hide

It's okay to be hurting, little angel
Your pain is real and valid
Let yourself feel the anguish
You don't need to hide it all away
It's okay not to be fine

It's okay to be sad, little angel
Grief is not a sin
Let the tears start the healing
You don't always need to smile
It's okay to cry

It's okay to be broken, little angel
You don't need to hold it all together
Let yourself bleed and break
You don't always need to fix yourself
It's okay to fall apart

It's okay to be downhearted, my darling
Just know you are not alone

Words

words

spilling from my mouth

pouring from my pen

black ink on white paper

baring my soul

dropping my mask

a reflection

in quick, dark lines

words

my liberation

my release

scribbles in my journal

scrawls on the page

a place to be real

no fear

no restraint

words

falling short

never quite right

unable to express the storm inside

trapped by language

not the right meaning

not the right sound

words

stumbling over each other

hard and fast

same words replaying

over and over

a broken record

scratched and skipping

words

swirling in my mind

sloshing around like water

over-analyzing

overthinking

can't stop thinking

trapped in my head

drowning in my thoughts

words

both the chains and the key

my prison and my escape

i live my life on the page

because i'm too scared to live in the world

but i want to

words

a bridge

or a wall?