And Smile

Slide into the car
Click in the seat belt

Turn the key

Pull out of the driveway

Turn the radio up

Tightly grip the steering wheel

As eyes begin to sting

Breathe

Breathe

Too late

Throat clogs

Vision blurs

Blink

Tear slips down cheek

Blink

Another 

And another

A relentless torrent

Chest heaves

Throat burns

Hand over mouth

Tugging at hair

Knuckles white on the wheel

Can't feel

Yet feeling too much

Gnawing, empty ache

Bitter taste

Tears fall hot

Freezing on cheek and neck

Can't think
Can't understand
Why
Why?
What is wrong with you?
What are these feelings?
Swirling
Building
This chaotic storm

Rev the gas

Turn too fast

Stop too quick

Not caring--caring too much

Cry out

Scream

WHY?!

Think of swerving--bam!

But you don't

Tears fade away

But the pain remains

Bitter 

Hard

Empty

Pull into the parking lot

Turn off the engine

Wipe off the tears

Check the mirror

Deep breath

Step out of the car

Feet on the pavement
Walk to the door
Hand on the knob
Close your eyes

Breathe

Turn the handle
Step inside

Lick the salt off your lips

And smile

Just because you don't see it
Doesn't mean it isn't there
The most painful scars
Are often the most carefully concealed
So take the time to look
Take the time to see
Don't underestimate the power
Of just noticing

Angel with a Dirty Mouth

She's an angel with a dirty mouth

A saint who plays with darkness

Her soul is made of night and stardust

And her eyes reflect the moon

Her heart beats a broken rhythm

As she dances on her bleeding feet

She sings a bittersweet melody

And plays a warbling tune

Her lips are cracked and taste of salt and wine

Her eyes are dark with memories and bright with dreams

Her hands are dirty as they hold her bruised and battered heart

And her mouth spins wild tales of her wanderings

She prefers roses with thorns
She likes her coffee dark
She picks old books over new ones
And she always chooses the chipped cup

She loves thunderstorms:
the wind tangling her hair
the rain soaking her clothes
and the lightning and thunder breaking open the sky

She doesn't seek perfection
She doesn't feel the constant need to smile
She embraces her flaws and messiness
And appreciates her tears

She dances with her demons
She flirts with her fears
She treasures all her broken pieces
And she isn't afraid of the dark

She is a rebel with new found independence
She is a dreamer who now dreams of rain
She is a wanderer who is trying a new path
She is a girl working to find herself in a crazy world.

Elinor's Heart

A long, rocky beach

As lonely

As stormy

As her battered heart

Words she cannot say

Beating

Beating

Constantly as the waves

Wearing at her soul

Shattered heart

Forced still to beat

Broken by her troubles
Burdened with secrets not her own

Crushed by the sorrows of others

Holding back tears

Biting back words

Blinking

Lips pressed

Swallowing it all

Waves pull at her

Swallow her

Dragging her beneath

Into the cold and dark

She grips the stone wall behind her

Seeking something solid

Something stable

Something strong

She closes her eyes

A tear

Sparkling

Trembles on her lash

Breathe in

Her chest rises

Breathe out

Her chest falls

She bows her head

Her fingers curl

A fist

Thud!

She hits the wall

Her head comes up

Breathe

Breathe

She opens her stinging fist

Stretching her fingers

And then she feels it

Thump-thump...thump-thump

Not the pounding waves

But her bruised heart...

And through her tears

Her mouth curves

So

 So

  So 

Slightly

And she smiles

with salt on her lips

Girl Who Reads

I am the girl who reads

The girl who always carries at least one book in her purse.

The girl who is a pain to watch movies with because she complains about how it's not like the book.
The girl who spends hours in a bookstore or library, wandering through the aisles just enjoying the atmosphere.
The girl who stays up late trying to read "just one more chapter" and can't keep her eyes open the next morning.
The girl who has her nose buried in a book instead of a cellphone.
The girl who brings a book everywhere in case she has a spare minute.
The girl who smells the pages and gets high off the old, musty scent.
The girl who has cried more over fictional characters than about real life stuff. 
The girl who walks out of a bookshop or library with books clutched close to her chest and a big grin on her face.
The girl who winces at people who use e-readers or who say "I watched the movie."
The girl who cries as she watches her generation buried in their technology, slowly losing all imagination.
The girl who lives with her head in the clouds.
The girl who wishes book scent were a perfume.
The girl who inhales ink and paper, and breathes words and ideas. 
The girl who has lived, loved, lost, and learned in more lives and worlds than just her own.

I am the girl who reads
The girl who loves deep discussions about real things.
The girl who thinks for herself,
The girl who isn't afraid to cry.
The girl who feels things deeply.
The girl who sees the beauty in little things.
The girl who dreams and believes in magic.
The girl who is interested in people and loves to know what makes them tick.
The girl who feels for other people as if their pain was her own.
The girl who has an active imagination, a complicated mind, a caring heart, and a timeless soul.
The girl who isn't afraid to wander or get lost because she knows its all just part of the journey. 

I am the girl who reads.

The Gift of Pain

She was broken

So she could see 

The cracks 

In someone else's heart

She was hurting

So she could see

The pain 

In someone else's eyes

She was hiding tears

So she could see

The tracks 

On someone else's cheeks

She was lonely

So she could see

The isolation

In someone else's stance

She wasn't okay

So she could see

The shadows

On someone else's face

Her smile

was so bright

Because she knew

How tears can ache

Her words

were so tender

Because she knew

How harsh they can be

Her heart

was so giving

Because she knew

How it felt to be without

She realized

Pain 

is a gift

When we hurt

We see 

the pain of others

We understand

We care

Our brokenness 

doesn't have to

destroy us

Our brokenness

can make us

Stronger

Hope

Her heart is bruised
Cracked
Scars not yet healed
Red, blue, black
Jagged lines
Open wounds

A tear quivers

Like a diamond

On her eyelash

Her thin, trembling hands
Dirty
Scarred

Clasped tight

Cradle her chest

She shivers
Quavering on her weakened legs

Still

She stands

Her dim blue eyes

Reflect
Weary
Blurred by tears and pain

She unfolds her hands 

A flower

Crushed

Faded

Closed

Lays in her palm

A dark

Once brilliant

Blue

She holds it

Gently

Fearfully

Tenderly

She lifts it

Up 

To her lips

A kiss

The tear

Shivers

Falls 

Plop!

The flower shines

Another tear

Quivers
Sparkling on her lash
Shining on her cheek

Yet

Cracked, red lips

Part

Curving up

Dim eyes lighten

Sparkling

Wet

Purple heart
Painfully beats
Thump-thump....thump-thump
Fighting
Reviving

As the flower
Slowly
So slowly
Let's its azure petals spread
Unfurl
Unfold
Revealing
A tiny golden bud

What She Needs

People think
They need to save her
That they need to fix her
Make it better
Make it all go away

But they don't

She doesn't need 

Him to rescue her

She doesn't need 

A knight on a horse

She doesn't need

To be told it is all okay

She doesn't need

To hear it will get better

She doesn't need

Someone to tell her "Don't cry."

She doesn't need

Someone to force her to smile

She doesn't need
A bunch of grand gestures
She doesn't need
A bunch of advice

She doesn't need

Someone to fix her

She doesn't need

Someone to try and "make it better."

She just needs

A friend

She just needs

To know he is there

She just needs

To know he isn't leaving

She just needs

For someone to hug her

She just needs

Someone to listen

She just needs
A kind word
She just needs
A sympathetic touch

She just needs
A text
She just needs
A short note

She just needs
Someone to notice
She just needs
Someone to care

She doesn't need fixing
She doesn't need saving

She just needs someone to care

She just needs someone to see

Because saving the world
Doesn't have to be
Fighting armies
Ending poverty
Stopping war

Saving the world
Starts with saving one person
And saving one person
Is simple

Just being there
Just taking time
Just listening
Just noticing
Just caring
Is all she needs

How to Heal

We all have scars and wounds

Hurts we hide deep inside our hearts

Things we don't tell other people

Because it's too real to us

So how can we heal those hurts?

The ones we don't ever show?

Step one, admit

Admit that you're hurting

Don't try and pretend it's not there

Don't talk yourself down

Don't say you're crazy or foolish

If it hurts, it's real

It doesn't matter why

So face your pain

Admit it's there

Step two, breathe

Take a deep breath

Breathe out the confusion and hurt

Clear your soul and heart

Breathe in new air

Fresh air, new life

Just close your eyes

And breathe

Step three, pray

You don't have to say it out loud

You don't need to use words

You can draw

You can paint

You can write

You can sing

You can play a song

You can dance

Find your voice

And let out your hurt

Step four, cry

Let your emotions free

Don't stuff them down

Watch a sad movie

Listen to a sad song

Don't choke back the tears

Just let them out

Not all tears are bad

Step five, walk

It may sound dumb

But maybe try it

Go by yourself to somewhere quiet

A dirt road near your house

A hidden corner of a park

A quiet path at the reserve

Somewhere with just you

And walk

Savor the beauty around you

Let the breeze soothe you

Use nature's sweet salve

Step six, treat

Give yourself a gift

A favorite dessert

A nice movie

A bubble bath

A dress

Something just for you

A spoil yourself gift

And don't feel guilt

Because you've earned it

How did you earn it?

You got up

Step seven, compliment

Think about you

What makes you special?

Remember all those compliments

Nice words friends have said

Scroll through emails and old birthday cards

Make a list of things you like about yourself

Remind yourself that you are beautiful

You are special

Step eight, love

Say "I love you."

To yourself

To the girl in the mirror

To the reflection in the side of your car

Write notes on the wall

Put notes in the car

Make a playlist of love songs

Just for you

Step nine, see

Notice the little gifts in your day

Your favorite song on the radio

A smile from a stranger

A kind word from a friend

A bird singing outside your window

A flower on the side of the road

All little things

But all seeming to say, "I love you."

Step ten, share

Send a compliment to colleague

Put a note on someone's locker

Say thank you to a person who has helped you

Post something nice on someone's Facebook wall

Say "I love you" to a friend

Tell the girls their beautiful

Because you know how it feels

And you're learning how to heal

Step eleven, repeat

No One Knows

It's a secret

No one knows

Things buried deep within

Hiding behind the curtain

Appearing only in the dark

No one knows

That behind her brilliant smile

Hides a thousand tears
And a deep well of sadness

No one knows

That behind her sweet words

Is a girl desperate for love
Longing to be understood

No one knows

That under her good girl persona

Lies a burning desire to break the rules
A taste for adventure

No one knows

That when she stands in a throng of friends

She feels utterly alone
Invisible, unnoticed, overlooked

No one knows

That in the privacy of her room

She makes love to the pillow
Dreaming of romance

No one sees

The way she bites back her tears

Feeling invisible and alone
Crazy and confused

No one knows 

How she wakes

With an ache in her chest
And a sadness in her heart

No one sees

The pinch marks on her arm

Where she tried to escape the ache
Wanting to feel again

No one knows 

How her mind races

Swirling with so many thoughts
So many emotions

No one knows 

How she strokes her cheek

Longing to be touched
To be loved

No one knows

That when she hides in the corner
She wants to be noticed
To be seen

No one knows
Who she really is

No one sees

The words in her journal

Beautiful, broken words

From a beautiful, broken heart

No one sees
The tears she sheds in the car
As her favorite song comes on
Showing her someone cares

No one knows

When she writes loving notes

The very blood from her heart the ink

Trying to make a difference

No one knows

How she dances in the woods
Hands up, feet twirling
Unafraid and unashamed, just for a moment

No one knows
How she cries for her friends
Their pain her own
Cutting deeply, leaving scars

No one knows
How her brightest smiles
Always come with a great ache
And she embraces both

No one knows 
How she treasure every smile, every hug
Every little note or word
Laying them in her heart, a love mosaic

No one knows
How she remembers
How she dreams
How she listens
How she loves

But

If she lets you see
Even for a moment
A tiny scrap of her soul

If she lets you see her dance
If she lets you read her words
If she lets you see her cry

Then know you are special
Because for her
Letting people in
Is the most valuable
Most dearly paid gift
She can ever give

Believe me
She knows

I Need Your Help!!!!!!! :)

Hello my beautiful readers!!!! :)

So, I know my posts have been a bit sporadic of late, but I am hoping I can be a bit more regular now that summer has started. However, I need your help.

I started this blog because I wanted an outlet to share my thoughts. But I also started it because more than anything I want to make a difference. I want my words to mean something, I want them to be able to help people, maybe even inspire them. I know that this blog is only seen by a few people, but I hope that somehow, maybe just one post touches one heart. Now here's where I need your help.

I want you guys to tell me what to write about. I want you guys to give me ideas about topics or thoughts that you want to explore. This blog is mainly poetry as I have found it one of the best ways to communicate my thoughts. But I am willing to slip into narrative blogs (like this one) if the topic better fits this format. So please, please, PLEASE comment and tell me your ideas!!! What kind of topics do you want to see explored? Do you prefer the poetry or the narrative or both? And also, if you'd like, please share an experience or thought of your own!!! I would love to hear from you! I don't want this conversation to remain one sided!!!

I am currently working on one or two more poetry pieces to post, but I really want to hear from you before I start any new posts. So please comment and tell me what you guys want. what speaks to you. I love feedback and I want this blog to be for all of you who read it as much as it is for me!!! :)

Thank you to each and everyone of you for reading this blog! I sincerely hope that somehow it may have helped you!!!! I love you all!!!!

Sincerely,
A Dreamer

Dirt Road Dream Lane

Behind my house there is a web of back roads. Unpaved, twisting, hilly roads full of potholes and frost heaves. These roads are always quiet, a lone car occasionally disturbing the stillness but soon racing around the bend out of sight.  It is a little haven of country as yet undisturbed by the town life surrounding it. Fields stretch out on either side of the road and occasionally sections are hedged by woods of tall trees.

I often walk back in these roads. One stretch in particular has become a favorite haunt of mine. It is a section parallel with my back yard, though several hundred yards and a vast collection of trees separate them. This section of road is twisted, weaving a serpentine path through the trees on either side. To the left is a sharp incline, going up toward the sky. Trees grow out of the incline, growing upward despite their off balance roots. To the right is a steep valley. A quiet stream snakes it’s way across the bottom, with another incline on the other side of the water.

The road is lined with my forest friends, for my friends they are. Those trees have witnessed my tears, they have witnessed my laughter. They have witnessed my hopes and dreams. They have witnessed my dancing and they have witnessed my falling. Some days they wave at me. Other days they bow and applaud my bold singing and twirling within the privacy of their boughs. Some days they are silent, watching me as I dream and ponder.

Each season brings a new garb for my wooden companions. In spring, they glow in new green robes. Their covered branches allow me to play peek-a-boo with the sun, who winks at me playfully. Flowers pop up on the side of the road, showing off their newly birthed splendor and perfume the air with their sweet fragrances. Down in the valley, the stream turns to a river, roaring with the remnants of winter. In summer, the trees almost completely block out the sun, allowing a respite from the heat. The shade creates mystic shadows, dancing along the road. Breezes are amplified and the air feels clearer, cooler. In autumn, the green robes turn gold, scarlet, and brown. Beautiful, bright colors spread like a patchwork quilt in the boughs. Crisp air nips my cheeks, numbing my legs as I walk. The wind tangles my hair, playing with the trees as they dance in the gust. In winter, the trees lose their quilt and bear a thick blanket of cold goose feathers. Their branches bend toward me, offering their hands and protection.The road sparkles with beautiful white diamonds, crunching softly beneath my feet. It’s my own personal Narnia, snow falling softly and trees watching me.

Aside from the trees, my thoughts are my faithful companions. This lane is the home of my dreams, my memories, my hopes. The faces of my friends, happy times and old adventures appear in the landscape. I remember laughter and tears shared with friends. I remember long conversations, playful bantering, bright smiles and warm hugs. I remember old jokes and happy accidents. I dream of future adventures, familiar faces in new settings. I dream of romantic nights and picnics. I dream of nights out with my friends. I dream of teaching, a class full of energetic students looking up at me. I dream of impossible things. Because in that lane, in that quiet lane with the tree watching over me, my dreams are coming true.

Girl in the Mirror

Looking in the mirror

Blurry image

Playing with hair

Studying face

Hair won't cooperate

Face is scarred

Shirt not right

Feeling ugly

Thinking about all those girls at work

With hair that falls just right

Simple clothes so stylish

And perfect make up

Watching your friend at school

So sweet and funny

Everyone loves her

Feeling envious and alone

Hating yourself

For feeling so jealous and insecure

Wishing you could be like her

Feeling unappreciated and invisible

At home in your room

Tears filling your eyes

Not even sure why you're crying

Just feeling so alone and confused

Why are you so jealous?

Why do you feel so alone?

Is it all imagined?

Are you just crazy?

You wonder if you'd be missed

You wonder if people ever wish you were there

You wonder if your friends really like you

You wonder if you are really worth it

Lift your head

Look in the mirror

See those tears?

They're real

Those emotions and that confusion?

Real too

But you know what else?

That girl in the mirror?

She's beautiful

Not for her clothes

Not for her makeup

Not for her jewelry

But for her gorgeous smile

Her dazzling dreams

And her precious heart

Her smile is beautiful

Her dreams are beautiful

Her courage is beautiful

Her wit is beautiful

Love that girl in the mirror

Love that little scar on her chin

Love those hairs that never do what she wants

Love those eyes that show her heart

Love her style, the way she expresses her personality

Love her interests, her music, her writing, her dance

Love her stupid obsession with that TV show

Love her silly little habits

Love her stupid journal entries

Love her failed selfies

Love her imperfections

Love her vulnerability

Love her stubbornness

Love her OCD

Love her wit

Love her ability to feel

Love her individuality

Love her taste

Love her sexy imagination

Love her innocence

Love her courage

Love her dreams

Love her unique voice

Love her wild laugh

Love her crooked smile

Love her glittering tears

Love that girl in the glass

Love who she has been

Love who she will be

Love who she is 

Because life starts

With loving that girl in the mirror