i taste the bitter in every sweet
no relief
i see the end of every beginning
spinning into despair
too much care
feeling everything and nothing absolutely
resolutely in pin
gain always outweighed by loss
a toss between worth it and pointless
joyless existence
and yet persistence to live
why?
why am i still fighting a battle i know is lost
a cost too dear i keep paying
praying that this time there won't be so much pain
feeling like i'm going insane
how am i still breathing?
still bleeding when i've already spent every tear i could hold
"it gets better" so i'm told
bullshit
there is no "new day"
only a new way to hurt
burnt by hope's empty vow
now crushed with the weight of dreams unfulfilled
instilled with trust
now left to rust
i must be broken for these words i have spoken
are too bitter
verbal litter never meant to be said
instead meant to be buried
carried as an invisible weight
the secret fear of our fate
always present but never addressed
unconfessed fear, hopelessness, and rage
the unwritten on every page
because it's easier to fake a smile than to try and explain tears
years spent creaking a mask
and you ask why i'm quiet?
because i'm afraid the riot in my head
will turn my words to lead
verbal bullets: a bleeding out of the war raging within me
you call it sin in me to be this miserable
call my suffering fictional
call me self-centered
so don't be surprised when i am self-censored
i am already worn from fighting my own guilt and accusations
so i don't have strength left to meet your high expectations
